Sooo

Hmmm, I am not even sure where to start, but first thing is first, I am an admitted.. horrible speller, Oh and I despise spell check but I will try to use it for the sake of anyone reading this...

Well for starters.. My new found life, I am not sure where it is going or even where I will end up. I do know a few things...

* I am really liken going to this church I am going too, It is called First Pentecostal Church. I like it a lot.. now listen to me when I tell you it is a huge change for me.. They have a lot of ... well lets call them rules.. for me that is what they are. But for the people that live it day by day I guess it is just their way of life. So these are some of the things that are hard for me
~Women, where skirts... EVERYDAY. No pants.... EVER.
~Neither sex wears any type of shirt that shows shoulders or elbows... kinda hard for the girl that owns 47 tank tops ....
~They don't curse... Yeah and I am the girl that swears like a freaking sailor... :)
~Oh good one... NO MAKEUP at all.. EVER.... Hmmm I don't know if I can give that up.. Gees...
~Uh Uh another good one.. Tattoos.. big no no, I already have six.. and want 5 more.. Hmmm, Am I gonna be able to give that up .. or even fit in if I can? Hmmmm
~No dating alone... Only couples dating until you are engaged.. I am already divorced, have had two children.. what the heck do I need a chaperon for?
~ No t.v., No movies, hmmm yeah I love going to the movies, and my kids enjoy t.v. almost every morning... our life's would be so much different.
~Oh and there is no jeweler warn.. not even wedding bands.... Weird? Still kinda for me...


I know there is more I will just have to add it as I remember.

I can say this.. the people there, at the church.. they are truly mind blowing. My favorite thing is to sit and watch as they sing and give their praise to God, It puts me in ah, how they are so full of emotion and believe and happiness and sadness at the same time. I love every moment I am there. I feel so different from them but they welcome me with open arms. It is so different then what I am used to. With them I can just be me, Of course I respect them enough to dress the same as they do.. well I try anyways.. But I don't find myself trying to fit in .. My hole life I hid who I was and lied to myself in the mirror everyday.. Heck I even do its still. There I feel like it is okay to be me... Its crazy cause I can even do it with the guy I work with that goes there when we aren't at church... With most people in my life I still hide .. me... I kinda like not having to all the time... <3

I think my issue with church and the hole God thing is this....

I am so scared of life, of failing, of putting trust in anything.. Before I really knew about God, I had tried to trust humans, women, men , etc. and had be hurt, left behind, beaten , battered, left alone, scared and helpless.. so as I grew up not really knowing what god was /is.. I began pushing him further out of my life for fear of trusting in him and having the same things happen with him. Last year my mother died.. that was kinda when I gave up on the hope of God, I thought to myself.. "how could he do this to me, I already have nothing and no one and he takes her". I was crushed.. I didn't know where to go or who I could talk to. The worst part was I was surround by people and I still felt alone...
Over the past month.. witch is about how long I have been going to FPC, ( First Pentecostal Church) I have noticed that no matter how bad things are for these people they still trust so much in the Lord and that he will help them. They don't know when or how but ... They know he will.

That is so hard for me, especially with my two little ones, They watch every move I make and everything I do in life, I know it will effect them... So I guess in a way I am scared if I trust in him.. Being Our God , Our Lord, Our savour, That my trust might fail or the plan might fail and in turn I would be failing, and failing them. My biggest fear in life has always been failure.. I am not one to ever give up.. I will try until there is nothing left... But if I fail even while trying.. I don't know if I could ever go on...

And I know for them(being the church .. lets call them goers) this looks like nothing, Most.. note I say most, of them have always believed in God so they know nothing of the life I have had to endure.. So they say it will work,Just believe. They have never and will never feel this fear I have... The fear of it not working.. the fear of failing....